Thank you so much, all of you who commented on my last post. It has helped.

I got some solid help from tresch, also, in the manner of him asking me for help. I'm a sucker for people who want my help. So, today I took one of his animations and made it into a flip book. It was kinda gratifying, realizing that I've learned so much about graphic arts, and that it comes back when I want to use it. Layout in InDesign, choosing paper, grousing about not having an industrial paper cutter, and dealing with the need for extreme accuracy while using inaccurate tools and the results thereof.

Between having only four hours of sleep and, I think, side affects from yesterday, I haven't felt that great today, physically, but the busywork has helped me feel better mentally. I'm hoping to keep up the trend by working on goat- and llama-eared hats tomorrow. I want to just keep up a level of activity that makes me feel like I'm actually doing something.

I have a task on my list today: "Write PHP script to filter RSS feeds."

This is, in concept, a simple task for someone who knows how to program. Set up a script that will read a source RSS feed at scheduled times, and add posts to a new RSS feed based on item categories.

I don't think it really matters that I know nothing about PHP. I know how to program.

And, really, that might just be enough, if I had already had the development and testing environment set up. I could potentially just load it on to my live hosting space, but I find that to be objectionable to my conscience. You just don't put up untested software in a live environment. It would be like shipping an application without having compiled the source code. Blech.

Now I've run into a large mess. I can't really script even a simple thing like the above until I have an environment set up on my computer so I can test it out. And to do that, I need to install an Apache server, PHP, and MySQL (all done, and I might not need the last, but better to do it now than later, I think), then figure out how to run an Apache server, then how the PHP and MySQL services work, and then, finally, I can start jumping in on the deep end with PHP and RSS.

It should be needless to say, but I think the above task is going to be downgraded to "Setup Apache server and learn basics."

ETA: Pfftthhhbbb...Screwed up my closing tag. That's a great way to show you can program. =P

I'm going to be trying to figure out what's going on with me

Of course, that doesn't quite cover it.

I'm currently depressed.

I've been out of work for nearly three months now, and I can't stop worrying.

I'm starting to get really doubtful that I'm worth employing, especially for the amount I'm aiming for, and especially in the area I'm aiming for.

While I want to help my friends with a game they are building, every time I sit down to try to work on it, I feel like I'm running around in tiny circles in my head, screaming that I can't do it, over and over again.

I'm not even sure I want to get a job in the category I'm aiming for; I think it might mostly be because I need the money to pay off my bills.

I've recently run smack into one of my biggest ugly-emotion areas in a very bad way and haven't been able to move past it.

And so many other things have been running through my mind.

So, I need to take a step back, accept where I am, what I'm feeling, and maybe even try to see where I want to be.

Aunt Flo started her visit today, so I was crampy and not that willing to do anything that required effort that I wasn't willing to spend. So, since I was close to finishing my lace shawl, I decided to work on that all day.

This shawl is my first project made from my own hand-spun yarn. I believe that I will keep it for myself, too (though if someone offered me an assload of money, I'd probably still sell it to them).

I was getting nervous about how much yarn I had left, but I had enough to do the edging and bind-off, along with a few dozen yards left. Not much room to spare, when you factor in that triangular lace shawls use more and more yarn for each additional row you add.

When I came to the bind-off, I was having trouble finding one that stretched as much as my knitting did. This is important, since lace knitting looks like a lumpy mess until it is wet down and stretched to it's final, flat form. Not enough stretch in the bind off, and that edge is in danger of keeping its lumpy mess looks (or threatening to bust at the seams).

However, I figured out one that works and now have a lumpy mess that needs yarn ends woven in. I love it, though. *I* spun the yarn, *I* knit it, and *I* figured out the best bind-off. I'm currently wearing it, and boy, is it warm.

I can't wait until I get it blocked out to its final form and see how beautiful it really is.

Okay, so, I did my budget last night, but kinda felt that I probably hadn't remembered everything. I hadn't. As kneesroverrated pointed out, there are 4.2 weeks in a month, more or less, so that should give me a bit of buffer. It would have, if I didn't then figure in that I'm actually putting aside $50 a week for food and stuff (rather than a straight $200), and if I hadn't remembered this evening that I forgot to pay my storage unit bill.

Oh, oops, and I forgot to put that in the budget, too. So, figuring Food and Income at a rate of 4.2 and then adding in the Storage, I'm in the hole each month to the tune of $12.54 (not too bad), and I drop to negative $81 in the second week of September(very bad).

So, yeah, I need to ask for some comfort room from my parents.

In other news, while I did exercise this morning, I've spent most of today reading instead of working or doing something more useful. I could blame it on the fact that there isn't anyone here to watch over my shoulder and tell me I'm being naughty, but I know that isn't true. If I treat this exercise in a way that I'm being a child that needs to be looked after, how am I supposed to take control of my own life? I decided to slack off, and there isn't any blame outside of myself.

Anyways, not feeling that motivated or happy or grounded, but I did find some videos that I remember make me feel a little happier. Here, have some:

As you may or may not know, I'm currently unemployed. This has done a number on a few things, including my mental well-being, and my finances.

Today, two things happened that will hopefully lead to good things, or at least things that will get me through unemployment.

The first is what I'm calling Slacker Bootcamp. It started today. Me and a couple others are focusing more on getting up at a reasonable time, getting exercise, and being productive. Why am I calling it Slacker Bootcamp? Because we're all slackers and we're trying to turn it around by adding some consistency. You might not think that the above is all that big an accomplishment, but if we can pull it off for the next week and a half, it'll be a big step (at least for me).

( SBC Details )
The second is that I got my initial COBRA payment request. It's for 6/14 through 8/31 to the tune of $971.23. I started to panic. I got rear-ended recently by a lady with no insurance. My car is under loan, so I have full insurance, and it paid for it, and I have a small deductible, but that was still $250 I couldn't afford. As it is, I was pretty sure that I was already living beyond the means that unemployment affords me.

So, I decided to sit down with my bills and figure out my bare essentials and make a real budget. Come to find out, with figuring in a tank of gas every month and $200 in food (and any other costs that come up), I'm living just over $20 a month over my projected income, considering a 4 week month. Also, I will drop to nearly no money around the 8th of next month. As they say, knowing is half the battle, and now I have to decide if I need to ask my parents for a buffer. I'm leaning very hard to yes. I'll be able to pay them back if my insurance company comes through for me and gets the lady that hit me to pay the $250, or soon after I get a job.

I am kinda worried about the tightness of my budget. There is no wiggle room, except that there tend to be 4.2 weeks in a month. Even at that, $200 for food and whatever else seems really small to me. If I need more than a tank of gas a month, it will come out of that, if I need a haircut, or an office visit, or my pills, it will all come out of that.

At least I'm forewarned.

What size of shorts/capris did I think I'd come away with? Woman's 24. What is the smallest actual size I could fit into? Woman's 20. Bo. Ya.

Came home with two size 22s (they fit nicely for now, but feel a bit on the loose side) and two size 20s (they fit fine if I don't mind them being a tad tight).

Also, down to a size 40F in bra, from 42G. Whee! (Too bad I couldn't fit into a DDD, as I then could have gotten any bra style in the store.)

My bike tire is holding enough pressure for a short ride, but left overnight, it deflates. I probably just need a new inner tube.

But anyways, filled up the tire to see if it would hold air, and about an hour later, it had only gone down a little bit. So, filled it up again and headed out.

It was a nice trip. On both Sunday and today, I only went around the small bike path in Waterworks Park.

As I got to the fence between the baseball field and the trail, I got to watch two Monarch butterflies fight/court in the evening breeze, scented with sweet milkweed flower smells. After I watched them for a bit, I hefted my bike over and headed for the trail.

I was grateful that I wasn't passed by any cars this time around. They make me wary and resentful that they are using the bike path to tool around the park. However, this time, there were none. I did get passed by another bicyclist who said "hi" to me, and I passed a pedestrian, and smiled at him when I looked up and he was looking at me.

I took the whole trail at a fairly good pace for me, which means I was feeling it just minutes into the ride, and by the end, my thighs wanted to hit me about he head and shoulders to get me to stop. But stop I did when I got back to the fence.

Amazingly, when I dismounted at the fence, a car was pulling around and someone asked, "do you need a ride?" I was surprised when I turned around and found it was the guy I passed, now in a car, instead of walking. "No, I'm good," I replied. "You're hot!" he countered.

I stood there for a second, mildly dumbfounded, before giving a wide, smile, "Thanks!" and when he waved at me, I waved shyly back. Of course, my mind sent up alarms, but not in time to stop me. I started to wonder if I had crossed that invisible line and had started to encourage him, as Ursula had done with a truck driver. No need to wonder, though. The car had driven further down the trail, so it was a little hard to hear everything he was saying at this point, but he said something along the lines of "Do you have a boyfriend?" I was kinda bewildered at this point, but had kept moving and embarrassingly said something along the lines of, "I'm not looking right now, thanks."

I hope I didn't make the guy feel rejected or anything, but I don't really know what to do in those kinds of situations. I like to get to know people better before considering them for dating. Getting the equivalent of a cold call...I just don't know how to deal with it.

It did make my day, though, so I hope the whole thing didn't leave him feeling bad. =D

Crap. Got the bike out to ride again, but my front tire is flat-flat. I'll need to figure out how bad it is tomorrow, since it's too late to fix and then ride tonight. Bah.

Well, at least my ass and thighs have some more time to recover.

PS I need a biking icon.

I rode my bike today. My ass hurts, my thighs think I did it to personally insult and exhaust them, and my wrists were looking at me strangely all the way.

I didn't actually ride back up the bit of trail that leads from the townhouses to the baseball field, but I was getting a little bit of exercise asthma and thought it better to not push too hard. I can push harder as I get more used to things (and hopefully drop the exercise asthma, again).

Let's see if I can work up to riding all the way to Grey's Lake by next weekend. -pulls out her crazy look-

PS - Oh yeah, got a bike for $35, then took it into a good bike shop recommended by the guys since a brake wire had broken. The bike dude I talked to was like "This isn't worth spending the $50 to get it tuned up. You'd just go to Wal-mart and buy it new for $59." Which, I'd have to agree. Anyways, got the brakes fixed up and the bike got a quick look-over. I also started dreaming about bigger (yeah, my bike might be a tad bit small, horizontally) and better bikes, but I want to see if I stick with this as an exercise opportunity.